


Break his heart (I forgot; I love you)

by YKWIW22



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Descriptive thoughts of death and self harm, Handles things badly, Heartbreak, Heavy Subjects, I was just supposed to train my writing skills, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jinmark, Kinda, M/M, Markjin, Suicidal Thoughts, and somehow ended up with a 13k fic, angsty, but love me anyway, i actually decided to edit this 6 months later be proud of me, i blame life, i guess, i hope you have a good day, i sincerely apologize for this trash, im sorry, it's still trash though, mark x jinyoung, somewhat happy, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-11 18:25:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10471242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YKWIW22/pseuds/YKWIW22
Summary: “You were right.” Jinyoung said, detached from any emotion. “He broke my heart.”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This story can possibly contain major triggers so message me if you wanna know more.  
> This story is also now edited bc fuck yes i'm productive it just took 5 months wow (i know it says 6 in the tag but now i counted and it's five and i don't have the strength to change it fight me)

And this is the story  
No one listened till  
But you probably knew that  
It’s all the same cliche 

 

Jinyoung didn’t really understand why but sometimes everything would just quiet down. He would sit there in his own dorm, on his bed, with his head rested on the wall behind him and he would just stare at nothing while feeling completely numb. 

In those moments it felt like nothing really existed, like he wasn’t really even alive. In those moments he could imagine himself dead. 

Most of the time he would simply just fantasize about it, how it would feel to watch the blood run down his wrist or how the cold barrel of a gun would feel pressed against his temple. But he hadn’t acted on it yet, even though he had been tempted many times. 

But right now; everything was numb and he was staring at a wall opposite of him and helt weightless. He wasn’t tired, no. He could probably go up and do an 1 hour training if he wanted to; but he didn’t want to. He didn’t care, that was the simplicity of it. He didn’t care about anything, because everything was meaningless. He was probably not gonna live for that much longer anyway, so why did-would- it matter? 

He got stuck in his head the first time just two years ago, and at the time he had developed a coping skill. It wasn’t exactly healthy but it was easy. He had stopped though, when he realized that someone else might find out about it. He had told his closest friends about it, they had been supportive, but not in the way he needed them to. 

But most of the time he didn’t care what his friends thought of him or what everyone else thought of him or just anything, especially about his own life. Most of the time he was just imagining himself hanging from the roof or standing on the edge of a bridge. It was pathetic of him really- never being able to finish the job. 

He had always been aware of himself, of every emotion that passed through his head. He had always had it easy to understand people, especially what they thought of him. 

He knew that when someone didn’t ask a question back when they were texting, that they didn’t really want to talk to him. The same goes if they simply just sent an emoji as an answer. They didn’t want to have a conversation, they were probably annoyed too. 

He knew that when someone wanted him to be there they would turn to him, not just their body but their feet too. Otherwise they probably didn’t care. 

He knew that if someone dropped the door in front of him, or hurried through it so they wouldn’t have to touch it instead of holding it up enough so he could push it; that he was simply unwanted. 

These kind of things were irked into his head. He knew when he was wanted and when he wasn’t. And most of the time he wasn’t. 

And he was okay with that. Most of the time. Maybe not. But who cares? He’ll be gone soon. Then nothing will matter. But now he was numb, right now he didn’t care (He did, it just felt like it didn’t). 

He despised feeling this way. He could deal with the sadness and the stress, the fucking self hatred but this; this is what he hated, the numbness. He wasn’t sad, he wasn’t happy, he was just there, existing, but not really alive. He was the walking dead. Except that he was sitting, not walking. 

He felt the left side of his mouth tug at the bitterness in his own thoughts.

This feeling wouldn’t go away though, no. He would try to get it away, or he used to. He used to pick up a book with the saddest possible ending but he still wouldn't cry, which was stupid because he knew that he had cried from just seeing the front page of the book yesterday. He would watch those stupid ‘try not to laugh’ videos too, those who would usually make tears form in his eyes and his face would flush red from the laughter that would fall out of him. But no, they didn’t work either when he was in this state. He could just stare at it, detached from any emotion and what would usually make him laugh tears would only be bitter small clips of poor children falling. 

But that was what he had used to do. Then he had found a coping skill, something that made him feel even more numb, but also alive at the same time. It would sting and he would watch small drops of blood bubble up from his skin. It hurt him physically, because surely; if you bleed it must mean you’re alive. 

But he had stopped. He had been clean for 11 months soon, the only proof that it had ever happened was the small tiny annoying lines that still existed on his left arm. He hated them in some moments, loved them in others. 

By now he had learned that there was no way out of this mindstate. He would simply sit there and then he would eventually, almost mechanically go up, brush his teeth, throw off his shirt and then go to bed. If he then would lay there for hours on end unable to fall asleep, well that didn’t matter; as most things didn’t. 

And unfortunately that’s how this story will start, in complete numbness. 

But this story is not yet finished  
Because I’m still sitting here  
Writing and reliving  
All the memories

 

Jinyoung wasn’t good at receiving compliments. The last years he’d been worse than ever before at it. So maybe that’s why his entire body went rigid and his shoulders tensed up and his mouth opened up in a small O- shape when a guy he had absolutely never talked to or seen before walked straight up to him, touched his shoulder, making him turn around to look at the intruder (who looked angelic btw, fierce red hair and dark eyes with a white ordinary t-shirt with some print he didn’t manage to look at before they guy was speaking). 

The intruder then had the audacity to smirk. 

“You’re cute.” He complimented and then the guy was gone as fast as he came. And left there was Jinyoung with big eyes and an open mouth. 

First Jinyoung just blushed but it soon disappeared and bitterness came instead. 

Jinyoung didn’t like compliments. It wasn’t just that he was bad at receiving them, he also hated getting them. 

He wasn’t much, he knew that there was nothing to really compliment about him. Maybe his intelligence if anything, but especially not his looks. He knew he wasn’t good looking. His hair was too dark and would look like a bowl cut if he hadn’t showered for a while. His tummy was a bit too big; he was working on that but he hadn’t managed much yet. And cute? No, he was disgusting. Everything that was left after that comment was bitterness, because surely the guy was now somewhere else with his real cool friends laughing about Jinyoung’s flustered expression. 

And even though he was sure that it was all some unfunny joke Jinyoung still managed to hate himself a bit more for the butterfly of hope that had filled his stomach. 

 

*

 

Throughout the day Jinyoung would see the guy here and there. He would find the red-haired boy stare at him when he walked out of class and Jinyoung pretended to not notice the heavy gaze. He would see him sitting in the library where Jinyoung usually spent most of his time and he also managed to see him at the bathroom where Jinyoung had gone to hide for a while. The worst part of it though was when Mark caught him staring back and a perfect smirk would form on his lips.

The weirdest thing though was that Jinyoung was absolutely positive he had never seen the guy before, but now he was suddenly everywhere. 

“Someone has formed a crush.” Jaebum, his closest friend teased when they sat down for lunch and Jinyoung had once again been caught staring, his cheeks had flushed red from embarrassment and the raised eyebrows from the red haired who then continued by adding another smirk. 

“No, I haven’t.” Jinyoung objected but it did nothing but improve Jaebum’s teasing. Jaebum snickered and Jinyoung sent him a death-glare. Jaebum rose his hands in surrender. 

“So what’s the story?” Jaebum asked instead before propping in a big fork of mashed potatoes in his mouth, he made a disgusted face at the glue-y feeling. 

“He came up out of nowhere and said ‘you’re cute’ and then he left” Jinyoung told truthfully while fiddling with the mashed potatoes, pushing it from one side to another, and then back again. Jaebum stared at him with big eyes, shock clearly written over his face before a smile broke through. 

“Finally!” Jaebum beamed “I’m totally gonna be the best man at your wedding.” Jinyoung decided to leave his mashed potatoes alone. He didn’t like the hopeful tone in Jaebum’s voice and it felt like he had been drained from all energy suddenly. He shrugged when he suddenly felt something, or someone slide down next to him. 

Jinyoung once again got to witness Jaebum’s face of complete shock (something that actually happened a lot less than what it seems) and then he also felt his own mouth once again drop as someone slid down next to his closest friend, a blonde guy more precise. And to be exact, it was the blonde guy who he’d seen talking to the ‘you’re cute’ guy more than once. He silently prayed to all the gods out there that the one sitting next to him wasn’t - 

“Whose wedding are we going to?” He heard the guy next to him ask and yup, he was fucked. He could recognize that voice from anywhere even though he’d only heard it speak two words. Jaebum got his act together the fastest while Jinyoung just continued to sit there dumbstruck. 

“Eh, Jinyoungie’s here.” Jaebum said, offering a small but confused smile to the two guys. Jinyoung tried to keep his head low but still managed to catch Jaebum’s gaze. He shook his head ‘no’ one time discretely but Jaebum started to beam again. 

“Who’s he marrying?” The blonde asked, a playful smirk on his lips. What was with these guys and smirks? Seriously. Jaebum’s smile grew even bigger at the possibility of embarrassing the younger. 

“Just his new found crush.” Jaebum told. “He’s actually sitting right th-” 

“Jaebum, what the fuck?! No!” Jinyoung hissed but Jaebum just laughed at him, but he didn’t finish the sentence. The blonde also seemed to find it kinda funny as his lips tugged. The ‘you’re cute’ guy let out a laugh too while Jinyoung’s cheeks burned. They all then sat there in silence for a while, eating, or the others were, not Jinyoung, he was screaming internally inside his head to stop being so embarassing. 

*

“Sorry to ask, but uh, who are you to?” Jaebum finally had the courage to ask, after a few minutes of awkward silenc.. The guys simply seemed to have been waiting for the question and maybe Jinyoung’s ears perked a bit of wanting to hear the answer too.  
Just maybe. 

It was the red haired guy that answered. “We’re transfers from a school nearby so we weren’t sure where to sit, since it’s our first day so uhm, yeah, I talked to Jinyoung this morning and you two seemed nice enough. So we ended up here” He explained with a cheeky smile. That explained why Jinyoung had never seen the guy before. 

“And my name’s Jackson, that’s Mark.” The blonde, Jackson, added. The ‘you’re cute’ guy, Mark smiled too. 

“Well, you’re both welcome to join here anytime.”Jaebum decided and gave them a friendly smile.  
His face then turned serious.”That is of course if you promise one thing.” Jaebum added. He sounded absolutely serious and Jinyoung had no idea what was going on. He leaned in against the middle of the table and so did the rest. Mark and Jackson listened carefully as the waited for what the promise would be. 

“Yes, what is it?” Mark asked after Jaebum didn’t follow up his sentence directly. Jaebum made a motion with his finger for all of them to come even closer. A heavy feeling settling over all of them as they motioned closer until all of their faces was just inches away from each other. 

“You have to help me make fun of Jinyoungie.” Jaebum answered completely seriously. For a moment all of them were completely still and then Mark was thrown back by giggles and was nodding frequently and Jackson could barely hold the tears in as he laughed. Jaebum laughed too while Jinyoung once again hissed ‘Jaebum, seriously, what the fuck!’ and they were all sent into a new wave of laughs and giggles except for Jinyoung who was just staring angrily against the window next to them. 

“I was totally sure you were gonna make us cut into our hands and bind an oath in blood.” Jackson joked and if Jinyoung flinched at that; then no one noticed. Jaebum let out a small puff of laugh and dried the tears from his eyes. 

“I was thinking so too, but I thought this was better. And I didn’t want to scare you away, I need some new people in my life.” Jaebum laughed. Jinyoung grew even more quiet as he gazed out the window, feeling the newfound energy draining faster than ever. It did stung a bit, that sentence, but fuck, he was not gonna cry. Mark who was still laughing touched his shoulder and Jinyoung visible flinched. 

“Come on, we won’t do anything too bad.” He teased with a smirk and friendly eyes. Jinyoung fought the shrug that had almost managed to come. Instead he let out a small laugh. It felt a bit choked and it bubbled up in the wrong way, and it sounded more like a coff than anything else. Jaebum gave him a worried look and Jinyoung gave a small reassuring smile in response. It felt fake, and Jinyoung knew that Jaebum knew that too. 

“I just remembered that I forgot a book in the library.” Jinyoung then lied and rose up, pulling up his crumpled brown bag on his shoulder and picking up his plate with his left hand. The others gave him a weird look, Jaebum’s mostly sad with a hint of regret. The other’s were confused.  
“See you later” He mumbled as a goodbye and then he walked away as he tried to not knock into anyone. On his way he heard Jackson mutter ‘Can’t he take a joke?” and something about ‘mood-killer’ and Jinyoung’s fist clenched harder around his plate as he made his way out, willing himself not to cry.

 

There was a boy  
Who used to smile  
He smiled with bright eyes  
And open arms. 

 

Jinyoung mindlessly poked around in his food every lunch while half-listening to whatever Jaebum, Mark and Jackson were talking about. It had apparently become a new tradition for Mark and Jackson to join them for lunch. And join Jaebum for parties during weekends. Jinyoung was happy for his friend. Jaebum needed more friends, Jinyoung had never been good enough for him anyway. He was too tired to entertain his friend, and he didn’t like parties or whatever it was that Jaebum wanted to go to during the weekend. He had tried a few times but Jaebum would always notice that he was uncomfortable and they would go back home, even though Jinyoung tried to protest. 

“What are you thinking about?” Jinyoung was interrupted from his thoughts by Mark who plumped down next to him. Jinyoung looked away from the window and realized that Jackson and Jaebum were no longer opposite of him. 

“Nothing.” He mumbled. Jinyoung felt Mark roll his eyes, even though he couldn’t see him since he had his head hung low and was staring at the meatloaf on his plate. It was barely touched. 

“Come on, give me something here, i’m trying to be friendly.” It was almost a grunt. Jinyoung could feel Mark growing annoyed at him. Everyone did eventually. Just ask his old friends.

“Just thoughts.” Jinyoung mumbled. Mark scoffed. 

“You’re thinking about thoughts? No shit sherlock.” Jinyoung felt his cheeks grow hot but he fought it down. 

“An old friend.” He answered instead, this time honestly. He cringed at his own voice and regretted it for a few seconds. Then he looked up and saw the happiness in Mark’s eyes and the small smile that came to his lips, revealing a row of perfectly white teeth. 

“What is their name?” Mark asked. Jinyoung gave a sad smile.

“Yugyeom.” He answered. Mark’s face faltered and then put a hand over the one Jinyoung had in his lap. Jinyoung’s hand was cold and Mark gave it a small comforting squeeze. Jinyoung felt his cheeks grow hot again.

“I’m sorry for the lost.” Mark murmured apologetically. Jinyoung’s head shot up, confusion written over his face.

“He’s not dead!” Jinyoung whispered- shrieked. Mark’s eyes dilated and he ripped away his hand from Jinyoung’s lap. 

Jinyoung did not miss it. Nope. Not at all. 

“Fuck, sorry, I just thought… because… you know..” Mark trailed of and awkwardly rubbed a hand along his neck. His cheeks growing hot. 

“He moved away.” Jinyoung explained. If that was just everything to the story. Mark nodded and was about to say something more when a pair of familiar voices came closer. Jaebum and Jackson sat down, laughing at some joke Jackson had probably just made. They put down a plate full of food each on the table and started to eat. Between the fifth and seventh fork Jaebum spoke.

“What were you two talking about?” He asked. Jinyoung stared at the small piece of meatloaf that was hanging out from his friend’s mouth. He felt disgusted. Not at his friend but from all the food. 

“Nothing.” Mark dismissed. Jinyoung felt a bit thankful. “What took you two so long, anyway. If we’re going to ask questions?” 

“Just having sex in the bathroom.” Jackson said. Jinyoung choked on his own spit. Mark who had just decided to take some milk coughed it up, a spray of milk shooting from his mouth against Jackson who looked mildly offended at the action. It looked almost comically. Jaebum himself looked shocked. 

“We did not. The que was just long.” Jaebum corrected and Jackson gave him a pointed look. Jinyoung felt a bit relieved and Mark was drying of his mouth with the hem of his white t-shirt. Which might’ve revealed a pair of perfectly formed abs that Jinyoung did absolutely not notice.

“Come on, don’t be so boring. It could’ve happened.” Jackson whined and Jaebum smiled goofily and what had Jinyoung missed? He looked over to Mark to see if the red haired was as confused as he was only to find him rolling his eyes at the two in front of him. 

“Don’t be disgusting.” Mark muttered with a grimace. 

“You love it.” Jackson said. Mark scoffed. 

“I definitely do not.” He objected. Jaebum laughed and so did Jackson. Jinyoung maybe felt a bit left out. He tried to not let it bother him. How the two new people talked more to his closest friend than he himself did. How they made him laugh more than he did. Maybe it was simply just his fault. It probably was. Most things tended to be his fault. He didn’t care. He did. But not for much longer. 

 

*

 

Somehow he had fallen back into that numb mood. Or the “gray zone” that he liked to call it. 

He wasn’t surprised, he had suspected to soon visit there again, it had been a few days after all and all the laughing from the lunch earlier had brought him there. It had started with feeling like a failure for not being the one to make his friend laugh and then it had evolved. It had evolved until he felt sick just seeing his own reflection in the windows he walked past. And when his self-hatred grew too much he closed off. Just as he had always done. 

He closed of just like he had done so, so long ago when his two closest friends had ignored him. He had learnt it from that time, four years ago. And ever since then he had always known that he would forever be unwanted. He hadn’t exactly thought it back then, it came after, when he had rekindled their lost friendship it came, like a side-effect. During the year after that the self-hatred simply grew. 

His old friend had never been that good at understanding people. Yugyeom had always only thought that things that wouldn’t hurt him wouldn’t hurt anyone else. But it did. Jinyoung knew that Yugyeom was telling the truth every time. It hurt, but it was the truth. 

He had learnt that ignoring was the easiest way. Or more, pretending to ignore. He would shut down completely. He would still be polite and answer yes and no. If someone asked him a question he would politely answer them with a low sing-song voice. It was mechanic. It felt mechanic. 

That was the space he had previously escaped to. The numbness of nothingness. Now, it was instead his prison whenever he found himself stuck there. 

When school finally ended he had said a polite goodbye to Jaebum and the others. They had asked if he wanted to get some food with them, they were all going to try a new restaurant. Jinyoung had politely declined in which they had asked why. He had lied, said that he wasn’t feeling that good. And even though he had escaped to the numbness it still hurt when he saw Jaebum roll his eyes. Mark had asked if he was okay in which Jaebum had replied for him. “Yeah, he’s fine. He just doesn’t want to hang out with us, he’s just too polite to say so.” Mark had looked disappointed and a bit shocked. Jackson simply rolled his eyes. Jinyoung walked away. 

 

He wasn’t sure of how he exactly had managed to not cry on the way to his dorm, but as soon as he was there; he broke down. Tears were flowing from his eyes and he felt like ripping his hair out. He wanted to scream and shout and kick and punch, but all he could do was stand there and drown in his own tears and thoughts. 

He felt the loneliness. It corrupted him as he cried himself to sleep in his bed, tightly hugging his pillow. As if cotton covered in a white fabric could stop the empty feeling that echoed in his chest. It couldn’t. It never could. 

He wasn’t sure of how long he laid there, with blinds shut over the windows keeping any light from coming in. He wasn’t sure of how long he laid there with tears running down his cheeks until he fell asleep. 

This was one of those moments where he could see it all so much clearer. When he could almost feel the wind in the air as he stood at the edge of a bridge with water below it. This was one of those moments where he could feel the blood flooding from his wrists and his head would get dizzier and dizzier until it eventually blacked out for all eternity. 

 

The boy who smiled disappeared  
The smile no longer there  
All alone he was breaking  
With tears filling his pillow  
And loneliness filling his heart

 

He woke up to a rustling and a light male voice shouting “HELLO!”. He felt himself panicking first. How did someone get into his dorm? Who was the intruder? He shot up and backed closer to the wall on the bed, pulling the quilt and the pillow with him. He held the pillow tightly, ready to throw or punch anyone that came in with it. Not that it would actually hurt whoever the intruder was but it would give him some time to flee. 

The door to his bedroom was slowly creeping open, a small line of light pushing in through the jar. He saw the shadow of a man holding something that looked like a box.  
“Hello?” The voice asked again, this time gentler. Jinyoung recognized it. 

“Mark?” He asked. His voice was hoarse. He had temporarily forgotten about all the crying he had done earlier. The door opened completely and in there stepped Mark. He had changed since school, he was wearing a black shirt now with ripped jeans. And he had a new earring, this one was a small red ruby matching his red hair. 

“Hi.” Mark’s voice gently said. Mark tried to not show how shocked he truly was. He had expected Jinyoung to, perhaps be annoyed at him or shout for him to get out. Or maybe just reading a book. But not this. The boy sitting on the bed looked absolutely wrecked. Jinyoung’s eyes were red and puffy and his hair was a mess, it looked as if he had pulled it as hard as he could, and dragged through it furiously. His arms were hugging a pillow to his chest tightly. He looked so small. So broken. 

“What are you d-doing here?” Jinyoung’s voice stuttered, pulling the pillow tighter, as if it could protect him from any harm. Mark felt his heart break at the sound of Jinyoung’s broken voice, it was so small and unsure. Mark smiled sadly and moved forward. He saw Jinyoung flinch and look at him warily. He decided to sit down at the very edge of the bed, as far as possible away from the broken boy. He held forward the plastic box he had been holding. 

“I brought food.” He said. “There were some leftovers from the restaurant and I remembered that you had barely eaten at lunch.” He then continued to explain. Jinyoung stared at the plastic box. 

“I’m not hungry.” Jinyoung mumbled. He had finally started to notice a difference, he was growing thinner. He was still too fat though. Mark smiled sadly. 

“You’re never hungry.” Mark said sadly and chose to sit closer to jinyoung. He pushed himself up and settled down next to the dark-haired boy. He let a small space be left between them. “Please just, one bite.” He pledged. Jinyoung shook his head no. Mark sighed. “Is this about what Jaebum said?” He asked instead, putting down the food next to him on the bed. Jinyoung was fiddling with his hands. 

“Yes, no? I don’t know.” He mumbled. Mark decided this was the time to put an arm around Jinyoung, pulling him against his side. Jinyoung seemed a bit reluctant at first but soon melted into the warmth and closeness of the other. 

He hated himself for falling so easily. 

“You know, it’s okay for you to be angry at what he said. He had no rig-”

“He had every right. He has every right.” Jinyoung interrupted. Mark was scared that he would push him away but he didn’t. “You know,” Jinyoung began, not exactly knowing why he was even talking. “He used to say something similiar to me a few years ago, similiar to what you said. Whenever I would break down from something that Yugyeom had commented; he would always reassure me that I wasn’t whatever Yugyeom had said. He would tell me that he always looked up to me, that I was near perfect. I didn’t believe him, never have. But I guess some part of me always needed that confirmation. But lately he’s been giving up, I guess.I don’t know, it’s stupid.” Mark felt the sadness and the hurt that echoed from the dark-haired boy beside him. He pulled him even closer, letting the boy nuzzle his head in Mark’s shoulder. 

“He probably just want you to hang out more. You’re a bit closed of, you know. He’s probably just worried.” A bitter smile formed on Jinyoung’s face. 

“I know.” Jinyoung said. The simplicity of it shocked Mark. He had expected an objection or just something. Not being agreed with. Somehow this seemed worse. 

“Then why were you crying?” Mark couldn’t help but to ask. Jinyoung shrugged. And somehow the walls Jinyoung usually had was back up again. It was obvious, suddenly the air seemed tight and Jinyoung was no longer leaning his entire weight against Mark. Jinyoung was tense again. Mark couldn’t help but to wonder what he had done wrong. 

Jinyoung pushed himself away and silently put his bare feet against the wooden floor. It was cold. He was still in the exact same clothes he had been in before coming home, the only difference being that the white shirt was now crinkled and he no longer had socks. 

He stood up slowly and then walked away to the lonely wardrobe, all while feeling Mark’s heavy gaze on him. Mark opened and closed his mouth. Then opened it again. 

“I’m fine.” Jinyoung dismissed it before Mark got to say anything. Jinyoung pulled out a pair of grey sweatpants. “Close your eyes.” He ordered and Mark did just so. He heard the rustling of a zipper being pulled down and a few grunts, then something being thrown onto the floor. He opened his eyes just to see Jinyoung close the wardrobe doors.

“We can talk about it.” Mark offered while standing up himself. Jinyoung threw a pair of dark grey sweatpants at him which he caught. He gave a thankful smile. 

“Like what? Friends? Jinyoung laughed bitterly. 

“Yeah, like friends do.” Mark confirmed with a smile. Jinyoung rolled his eyes, and Mark saw the poison that came into them. He saw the way another bitter mechanical laugh came and the way Jinyoung’s eyebrows raised. It almost looked like amusement, a bitter version of it. 

“We’re not friends.” Jinyoung corrected. “We met just a month ago, we’ve barely talked and we know nothing, nothing about each other. We’re not friends.” He spat. His voice growing frustrated and tired. Mark could see the bags underneath the other’s eyes. 

“Then let’s get to know each other!” Mark pleaded while gripping Jinyoung’s wrist who had tried to walk out. Jinyoung looked over at him, something unsure lying below the surface in his eyes. “What’s your favorite color?” Mark asked. Jinyoung was reluctant but somehow he couldn’t say no to Mark’s doe eyes. 

“White.” He confessed. Mark’s face lit up ever so slightly as he let his grip on Jinyoung’s wrist lose and instead travel down to his hand. 

“Mine’s red.” Mark informed the younger. “What’s your favorite book?” Jinyoung couldn’t help the small smile. 

“How did you know I like to read?” He asked. Mark smiled sheepishly while braiding their hands together and pulling Jinyoung towards the kitchen. 

“You seem like the type.” Mark answered while roaming through the cupboards, looking for a plate. Jinyoung snickered. 

“And what does that type look like?” 

“Well. They’re most of the time very intelligent and has a bigger understanding of the universe.” Mark informed him while looking through the refrigerator. The only thing in it was water. Jinyoung scoffed while looking at their braided hands. “And they’re also unbelievably cute and blush at the simplest things.” Jinyoung couldn’t help the blush that painted his cheeks. “And sometimes they’re more quiet since they’re always observing everyone around them, and their mind's are always racing a hundred miles an hour.” Mark found some frozen pizza in the fridge and turned on the oven. “But once you get to know them they’re loud and expressive and wonderful.” Mark plopped in the pizza in the oven. Jinyoung stared at him with wide dreamful eyes. Mark then turned around and grinned. “Hopefully also in bed.” He added. Jinyoung gave him a playful punch on the shoulder with his free hand while blushing deeply.

“Don’t ruin the moment.” He said and Mark just laughed. 

 

*

 

Jinyoung sat upon the bench next to the oven and Mark was standing in between his legs laughing. Somehow their fingers were still entwined. “Wait, did you really?!” Mark was laughing again when Jinyoung nodded in embarrassment. 

“I didn’t think it was gonna close again!” He laughed. Mark’s head was thrown back in laughter, hair was a mess and his eyes were glazy. Jinyoung might’ve thought that he had never seen anything more beautiful than the masterpiece that was in front of him. Angelic. 

When Mark was finally done laughing he remembered the pizza in the oven. He let go of Jinyoung’s hands carefully and felt the small bit of hope when a small frown appeared on Jinyoung’s face, but also a small piece of regret. He put on the kitchen gloves and opened the oven, a smell of cheese and tomato oozing out. Delicious. 

Jinyoung hopped down from the counter and pulled forth a coaster from a cupboard. 

“Where do we sit?” Mark asked looking around. Jinyoung gave a small nod towards his bedroom. He only had a one room dorm with kitchen and bathroom which resulted that the TV was placed in his bedroom. 

They walked into the dark room. Jinyoung pulled up a serving tray from under his bed and sat down on the bed. Mark sat down next to him with the pizza, placing it on the tray. “I’ll get some water.” Mark said and walked back to the kitchen. Jinyoung turned on the tv and flicked through a few different channels, then settling on some drama series about the 18th century. 

Mark came back with two filled glasses and a knife and fork. He put them on the tray then slowly slipped in under the covers next to Jinyoung. They both sat up with their backs against the walls and ate. Mark noticed that Jinyoung only ate four bits but that was more than Mark had ever seen him eat. 

When the pizza was finished Jinyoung put down the empty tray and then settled back next to Mark. But Mark had other plans. He put one arm around the younger and then pulled him up into his lap which Jinyoung giggled to. But the warmth of the other was comforting and Jinyoung was soon leaning his entire weight on Mark who entwined their fingers again. The drama completely forgotten in the background.

“Is it true though?” Mark asked after a few seconds of comfortable silence and Jinyoung turned his head to look up at the red haired. 

 

“What?” Jinyoung asked, all doe eyes and innocence in them. Mark leaned in closer, his lips barely touching the younger’s ear and his right arm holding him in place. 

Mark closed his eyes for a second, hating himself but he needed to win. He just needed to. 

“That they’re loud in bed?” He then whispered. Jinyoung felt a shiver run down his spine and he almost whimpered.  
Mark couldn’t help but to love the sight of Jinyoung like this, he rarely got the chance, truthfully, he never had before but to see Jinyoung’s cheeks flush and the avoidance of eye-contact was one of the things he loved the most. But this time he didn’t see any embarrassment in Jinyoung’s eyes. Just something that looked like lust. Jinyoung wasn’t sure himself where the boldness came from. 

“Maybe you should find out.” He whispered back, accidentally huskily. 

Mark’s lips parted in a perfect O and his eyes grew wide. And for a few seconds they were both just looking into each other’s eyes, searching for answers or questions, or just something that felt like sanity. 

“Maybe I should.” Mark echoed and suddenly he was leaning in and their lips met in a perfect match. Jinyoung tasted like vanilla and pizza with hints of coffee. Mark tasted like chocolate and cheese. It was messy and the room was dark. And maybe it felt a bit sinful but Jinyoung was opening his mouth, letting Mark take control. Mark turned them around, pushing Jinyoung against the wall gently and then straddling him with his legs. 

Jinyoung’s breathing was quickening and Mark’s mouth was leaving kisses down to his collarbone where he started to suck. He made small bites, making sure to leave a purple mark. Jinyoung whimpered under the touch and reached his arms around the older, tugging at his shirt and when Mark stopped for just a second Jinyoung pulled it off in one swift motion. 

 

“Fuck.” Mark breathed while tugging at the younger’s shirt to. Jinyoung was kissing against his bare stomach. Leaving small teasing kisses on every possible space. He could feel himself growing hard, this time tugging ever harder at Jinyoung’s shirt. But Jinyoung hesitated and Mark stopped immediately, looking up to see what was wrong. Jinyoung was staring back at him with red swollen lips and messy hair, lust and uncertainty filling his eyes.

“We can stop.” Mark said, completely serious, making sure that Jinyoung understood. “Anytime you want.” Jinyoung nodded slowly before answering. 

“I don’t, I just..” He trailed off. And Mark realized that this was the younger’s first time. He silently scolded himself for being stupid and if Jinyoung saw something that looked like guilt in the other’s eyes then it was quickly replaced by sincerity. 

“We’ll go slow; I’ll go slow.” He assured and looked up to Jinyoung slowly nodding, still with lustful eyes and then Jinyoung, in a moment of extra boldness, tucked off his own shirt in an easy movement. Then they were back to deep kissing and Mark soon had access to Jinyoung’s mouth again. Letting his tongue teasingly trail along the younger’s upper row of teeth. 

Mark went on to trailing his hands lower along Jinyoung body until he reached the hem of his pants. He looked up to make sure and saw Jinyoung nod blissfully. Mark smiled at the sight before pulling of the younger’s pants. 

 

The one who once smiled  
Now had a constant frown  
The heart he once worn  
Now protected inside solid walls 

 

When Jinyoung woke up, he woke up with a small ache in his lower back and his head was soon filled with images of the last night. He couldn’t help but blush when was reminded of Mark praising and moaning his name as he pounded into him. 

He could’ve lost his virginity in worse ways. A lot of worse ways. 

He felt an arm sliding over his torso in a warm welcoming embrace. “God morning” Mark mumbled into his ear, pulling him even closer. 

“God morning” He whispered back, nuzzling his head against the other. Mark let out a small satisfied breath against his ear. 

“How are you feeling?” Mark turned him around gently so he could look into the younger’s eyes. Jinyoung smiled. 

“It hurts a bit, but nothing much.” He mumbled and just then he was reminded that they were both still naked and bright day light. A small blush spread over his cheeks. Mark gave a worried smile, and a hint of guilt in them. 

“I’m still taking care of you for the entire day.” Mark then decided and Jinyoung couldn’t help the bright small smile that came. “First, I’m getting you breakfast in bed and then I will carry you around for the entire day.” He told and Jinyoung laughed. 

“We should probably shower too! You can’t carry me there!” Jinyoung laughed and Mark cocked an eyebrow. 

“You sure?” He asked and suddenly two arms were gliding in underneath Jinyoung and Jinyoung yelped when they picked him up in the air. Mark laughed when Jinyoung desperately put his arms around Mark’s neck to keep from falling. Mark stood up with Jinyoung holding on to him. And he started to walk towards the bathroom with Jinyoung yelping at every step and burying his head into Mark’s neck. 

* 

Jinyoung couldn’t help but to feel a bit self- conscious standing next to Mark in the shower. Mark was built up and beautiful, he looked like an angel, and Jinyoung was just…..Jinyoung.

“Hey.” Mark said, catching Jinyoung’s attention. “You’re beautiful.” He commented and bent down to place a small sincere kiss on the younger’s lips. 

Mark decided that he was gonna take complete and utter care of the younger for this day. He gently washed through the younger’s dark hair and let his hands gently caress the younger’s body as he washed him. The younger held back whimpers as the touched. 

Mark pretended not to notice the with small lines over Jinyoung’s wrist. He felt a tug in his heart at the sight but instead leaned down to press a gentle kiss against the younger’s temple. 

When it was Mark’s turn to be washed Mark had offered to do it himself which Jinyoung had immediately argued against. And Mark decided that Jinyoung was definitely the devil when he started leaving teasing touches and leave small breaths against Mark’s neck. 

Jinyoung might be an angel too though. 

And if the shower turned into Mark getting a blowjob and Jinyoung giving his first, well then, no one had to know. 

 

*

 

“It’s weird.” Jinyoung said with a hint at a laugh. He had laughed quite a lot the latest 24 hours. His legs were wrapped around Mark’s torso and Mark had his arms supporting the weight. Jinyoung had his arms hanging gentle around Mark’s neck. 

“What’s weird?” He asked while letting Jinyoung off from the piggyback ride so they could sit next to each other on the bench. Mark had apparently been very serious about his promise from the morning. 

“Well yesterday I basically said that we weren’t friends and now we’ve seen each other naked.” Jinyoung explained blushing, which Mark found out most endearing. He put an arm around the younger. 

“Well, I know how you sound when you moan my name now too.” Mark said with a grin which earned a playful punch from Jinyoung and the blush went even deeper.

They sat quiet for a while, just enjoying each others company and the fresh air of the park. The sun was shining brightly at them and they could hear some children laughing from afar. 

Jinyoung quietly wished that he could stay like this forever. To never have to worry about school or what he said or did ever again. To just sit in this comfortable silence for the rest of his life with someone enjoying it next to him. He wished he wouldn’t have to feel alone ever again. 

“We still don’t know a lot about each other.” Jinyoung said after a while. Mark nodded and smiled at him endearingly.

“Well, you better start telling me then.” He agreed. And Jinyoung found himself answering every question Mark had to him, about his family, he answered that he wasn’t that close to them anymore and he asked about his favorite food and the most embarrassing thing he done- which he embarrassedly told and Mark could barely hold back the laughter filling his throat. 

Mark answered his questions too, his favorite food was pizza and he had four siblings that he would call at least once a week. He was close with his family but didn’t live with them any longer. And the talk went on for hours. The sun travelled over the sky but they were both together in a timeless place. 

*

 

Jinyoung noticed during the time they ate lunch that Mark was definitely a thief. He kept stealing fries from Jinyoung through the entire meal. Jinyoung playfully scolded him and Mark apologized before stealing yet another. 

“You said you didn’t want any fries!” Jinyoung complained which Mark answered with a laugh and then stole yet another, putting it slowly against his lips and then taking a bite of it in slow motion. 

Jinyoung just shook his head in amusement and faked disappointment. 

 

*

 

“How can you not like chocolate ice cream!?” Mark shrieked and pretended to drop Jinyoung off from his back which made Jinyoung yelp and cling on even tighter.  
“It’s too much taste!” Jinyoung argued.

“I’m actually gonna drop you off right here.” Mark threatened while walking up to the ice cream parlor in the corner of the park. 

“No, please don’t! I’m sorry! I’ll do anything!” Jinyoung faked apologized laughing, still clinging on to Mark’s back. 

“I’m holding you to that promise, you know.” Mark said. The cashier looked at them weirdly but smiled nevertheless, and when she heard the two boys’ banter she couldn’t help but let out a small laugh and fill up their ice cream cone a bit more. 

 

*

 

“Today was good.” Mark said. He was standing in the door frame of Jinyoung’s dorm. Jinyoung smiled from the other side if it.

“Yeah, it was.” He said truthfully. ‘What are we?’ he wanted to ask. Instead he said: “I still owe you for not liking chocolate ice cream.” Mark gave him a confused look before noticing the suggestive look on the younger’s face. And well, he couldn't really say no to that, even if the guilt was eating him up alive. 

“Yeah?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Jinyoung confirmed. 

And if the door closed behind Mark and if they maybe stumbled into the bedroom and if Jinyoung maybe dropped to his knees and if maybe Mark received another incredible blowjob before he walked home with even more self hatred inside him. Well, that’s for no one else to know. 

 

His place was in the back  
Silent as the night  
And distant as the moon  
His hate no longer directed at the world  
But instead himself. 

 

“I fucked up.” Mark said as soon as he stumbled into Jackson the next day. Or stumbled, he had knocked on Jackson door since 5am monday morning because he couldn’t sleep and eventually he had been met with a very tired and grunting Jackson. Jackson stared at him with blank eyes. 

“What?” Jackson asked. Mark stumbled into the dorm, dragging his hands through his hair. 

“I slept with Jinyoung.” He explained while pacing back and forth. Jackson’s tiredness was suddenly away and it looked as if Jackson was ready to kill him. 

“You did what?” Jackson asked furiously, trying very hard not to lose his temper.

“Fuck.” Mark breathed. “The bet?” He paused and Jackson nodded, the rage in his eyes growin bigger by the second. “It was the last day to win it last friday and I visited him after we had been out cause’ I thought that maybe it could be a casual hookup but when I came there he was crying. Crying! And I helped him and y’know I wasn’t gonna go through with the bet and then it kinda just happen.” He tried to explain but his thoughts were running a hundred miles an hour, he couldn't make sense of anything. Jackson stared at him until Mark felt a sharp pain in his cheek which he recognixed as Jackson slapping him. 

“Fucking idiot.” Jackson then muttered while Mark stared with wide eyes. Jackson had never actually slapped him before. Mark put his hand slowly on his cheek, feeling the burn of the slap. 

“I didn’t mean to do it-!” He then mumbled, still shocked but Jackson interrupted him

“What! It just happened? Is that what you were gonna say?! If it weren’t for the bet you never would’ve been! You could’ve said no! You’ve known him for a month, Jaebum talks about how much he worries for him and you decide that the same day you find him crying is the perfect day to fulfill that fucking bet?!” Jackson accused.. Mark stopped pacing and some anger filled him too. 

“I thought you didn’t even like him!” He then yelled back. 

“That’s not a fucking excuse!” Jackson answered angrily. “Is that why you came here? Did you think I was going to be supportive of your decision? Did you think I was going to let you whine to me and say that ‘it’s okay, it’s okay to break someone’s heart, to fucking sleep with a friend because of a bet’!?” Jackson retorted, yelling even louder. Mark felt himself shrinking. Like he was slowly disappearing into oblivion. Fuck what had he done? How could he do that? 

“I’m sorry.” Mark then croaked, feeling the tears build in his eyes. Jackson stopped and sighed. 

“Why do you care so much about his feelings? you’ve done shit before and yes, this might be the worse but you never used to care” Jackson mumbled, the tiredness coming back and he felt drained. 

Mark stared at the wall, thinking  
.  
“I don’t know.. Because he’s nice? And smart. And he cares so much about others and I can’t make it worse, he doesn’t deserve it.” Mark then mumbled back ever quieter, small tears running down his cheeks. Jackson nodded. 

“Make what worse?” Jackson then asked, even though he knew parts of the answer from what Jaebum had told him. 

Mark took a deep breath, closing his eyes, memories playing inside his head. He remembered how he had tried so hard to not think about the small white scars that covered the younger’s arm while he had kissed him just three days earlier. 

“His self hatred…. I guess.. He hates himself, you know? And like, i’ve suspected it before but I didn't know it was to that extent…. And the way he acts, like everything he does is annoying someone, like he’s a burden. Fuck, I don’t know what to do.” Jackson nodded, not understanding all the details but stil understanding just enough to know that what Mark had just done would probably be deemed unforgivable. 

“You fucked up.” Jackson said, more like a statement than anything else. 

“I did.” 

“Do you like him?” Jackson then asked. 

“No.” Mark breathed. “No, I don’t. I’m still in love with her” Mark continued steadier, honestly, feeling his heart break at the same time. 

“Then I guess there’s nothing we can do.” Jackson said, feeling the tiredness consuming him. Mark hummed sadly, agreeing. 

 

*

 

Jinyoung felt happy. He woke up with a smile on a monday morning because he was going to see Mark again. He felt a bit nervous about how they would act around each other. Were they boyfriends? Jinyoung hoped so. He let himself hope, wishing that this time his hopes would actually come true. His hair wasn’t perfect, and his shirt had a small wrinkle but somehow he couldn’t find himself hating himself for it. He simply shrugged and walked out with a small smile. 

There were a lot of things that was going wrong. He accidentally stepped in gum, and his hair was a mess. An old man had even shouted at him on his way to school but still. He could feel a weird euphoria that promised that everything was going good today. He felt happy. Not just the moment kind of feeling but the long feeling. The one where anything could go wrong but he would still think that he’s a happy person. 

When he reached the lockers he saw Jaebum already standing there awkwardly, fiddling with his hands and looking around. They hadn’t talked for the entire weekend. Jinyoung felt a heavy weight leave his shoulders when Jaebum caught his gaze and gave a small smile. 

“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung said as soon as he reached Jaebum. Jaebum had opened his mouth but closed it again, confused. 

“You don’t have to.” Jaebum then tried. Jinyoung interrupted him. 

“No, I do. I’m sorry that I sometimes blame you and that i’m sometimes jealous. You don’t deserve that. And I’m sorry for not trying harder, but I’m becoming happier. I’m gonna start trying again” Jinyoung smiled afterwards but a frown appeared on Jaebum’s face, a sigh escaping his mouth. 

“What happened?” He asked, tiredly. Jinyoung blinked. Jaebum raised his eyebrows, as if it was obvious. “Something good happened to you so right now you’re placing all your hope on that one thing, which for you creates a false state of euphoria where you start to believe that you’re okay. You’re ignoring again, like you always do. And it always ends with you in a worse state than before. I know you, Jinyoung. I’ve been here for years. What good thing happened?” Jaebum then elaborated. Jinyoung was staring, shocked, because somewhere deep inside he knew that Jaebum was right. He hoped he wasn’t, he put all his willpower into believing that he wasn’t right. 

“I, eh, yeah. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s good yet, I think it is. I hope it is. But I haven’t, ehm, talked to him-them yet.” Jinyoung stuttered, fiddling nervously with his hands, avoiding any form of eye contact. Jaebum put an arm around him, steadying him. Why do people always have to steady him?

“Promise me, that even if this works out, whatever it is, that you will still get help in some way.” Jaebum asked. Jinyoung looked at his feet. 

“It will work out.” He vouched, but avoided the promise. Jaebum gave him a sad smile. 

“I hope so too.” He whispered as they walked away to their first class. 

 

*

 

“What am I supposed to tell him?” Mark urged and Jackson rolled his eyes, annoyed. 

“This is your mess, you fix it.” Jackson chided, while also pulling his best friend towards the lunch room. Mark was fighting against. “Stop being a fucking child and man up.” Jackson scolded him, pulling a bit harder in the other’s arm. Mark winced. 

“But I don’t know what the fuck to do!” He pleaded. “Please, help me here!” Jackson rolled his eyes again. He was beginning to form a headache from all the eye- rolling. 

“Break his heart.” Jackson then said, ripping his arms away from Mark’s hold. Mark stopped dead in his tracks. 

“What?” Mark asked, looking up with big cautious eyes. Jackson ran his hand through his hair in an exasperated sigh. 

“Break his heart. Tell him that it was a bet and that you were stupid enough to go through it. Tell him it isn’t his fault but that you feel nothing for him, tell him it was all a mistake and that you would want to keep being friends but if he’s about to act weird about it; you rather have no friendship at all. Tell him that it will never happen again, break his heart. Tell him the truth.” Jackson instructed coldly.

“But that’s mean.” Mark whispered. Jackson looked down. 

“Yeah, but it’s the truth. He’s a good kid but his mental health isn’t the best. Don’t lead him on, give him closure.” Even Jackson started to feel wrecked. He hadn’t particularly cared about Jinyoung’s feeling last week, then he mostly just found him annoying. They guy wouldn’t do anything and every time they tried he would make up some shitty excuse why he couldn’t come. But then Jaebum had told him why, how insecure the kid actually was. That he would see every action perfectly and as soon as someone seemed reluctant to have him there he would simply walk away. Not wanting to annoy anyone or be a burden to anyone. 

Ever since that talk Jackson had noticed more things in his memories. How Jinyoung would sometimes laugh loud and clearly and the next second he would be closed off and his smile would no longer reach his eyes. He remembered how he had never actually seen Jinyoung without long sleeves, or ever seen any of his skin, except neck, ever. And whenever they all walked together he would always walk behind everyone else, listening and humming occasionally. 

Ever since Jaebum had told him all he knew about the friendship that had once been Jinyoung, Yugyeom and Jaebum he had felt protective over the kid. Like he was some old valuable vase that could split any second and needed someone to look after it, to make sure that it wouldn’t break.

He wanted to help Jinyoung now, and this was the best way to do it right now. 

“I will.” Mark then promised, breaking Jackson’s thoughts. “I will break his heart.” He then repeated with a steadier voice. Jackson gave a sad small smile and patted his bestfriend on the back. 

“Let’s hope that he forgives us.” He said to no one, maybe he said it to the angles, if they could hear him and his pleading. He hoped so. 

 

A disappointment  
The broken boy named himself  
A smile covering up  
What was really going on inside his head 

 

Mark and Jackson were late for lunch Jinyoung noticed quite quickly and a small frown had appeared on his lips. Jaebum pretended that he didn’t notice it. But as soon as he saw a red haired boy come into the lunchroom Jinyoung’s smile grew. He sat up straighter and almost beamed until he noticed their faces. Jackson looked sad and a bit stressed, his mouth was set in a frown and his eyes were a bit colder than usual. Mark looked a bit scared and hesitant, like he would rather be anywhere else but here. 

“Hey.” Jinyoung welcomed smiling, trying to lighten their mood when they came over to the table, something that was the complete opposite of what he had usually done. Jackson gave him a sad smile and worry tugged in Jinyoung’s stomach. Both boys sat down on their usual place. 

For a while they all ate in an uncomfortable cold silence. Jinyoung couldn’t help but fiddle with his hands. Mark was pushing the food on the plate back and forth. Jaebum tried to make some jokes and start a conversation but it ended quickly when no one answered. Jackson was sending irritated glances towards Mark through the entire lunch. 

Jinyoung wished he was anywhere else.. He wished he was back in the park where he hadn’t cared, but now he was nervous again and he felt nauseous. Was Mark going to pretend nothing had happened during last weekend? Was it all just a hookup? Just as his mind was about to keep wandering away to even darker places Jackson cleared his throat.

“Mark.” He said and gave a stern look. Mark looked up and grimaced before standing and looking at a confused Jinyoung. 

“Jinyoung, can we talk somewhere, in, eh, private?” He asked hesitantly. Jinyoung just nodded before standing up. He gave a small smile till Jaebum who looked even more confused. Jackson was looking at the floor, something Jinyoung had never seen him do before. This was going to go well he told himself, holding onto as much hope as he could as he followed Mark out from the lunchroom. 

Jaebum looked over to Jackson. “What is Mark doing?” He asked, not really expecting an answer. Jackson gave a long sigh before answering. 

“Breaking his heart.” He said and Jaebum sent a concerned look after Jinyoung. 

 

*

 

“So what did you want to talk about?” Jinyoung asked nervously. They had gone into an empty classroom and were now standing opposite of each other. Both fiddling with nervosity. 

“Us.” Mark said and stepped closer. Jinyoung backed and Mark could see the way Jinyoung’s eyes were glazy. Just do it he told himself. Break his heart. Jinyoung had temporarily closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He let it out slowly, trying to keep himself together before he opened his eyes again. 

“Please don’t say that it meant nothing.” Jinyoung then pleaded. He knew he was selfish. Mark started, dragging a hand through his hair like he always did when he felt conflicted. Break his heart Jackson’s voice echoed. 

“It meant…” He began but trailed off. 

“Nothing.” Jinyoung filled in sadly. His voice wavered and fuck, Mark couldn’t do this. 

“Something.” He corrected instead. It was almost the truth. Of course it all had a meaning but the meaning just wasn’t what Jinyoung wanted it to be. “It meant something.” Mark confirmed again, hating himself more. And he saw the way a pole how hope settled in Jinyoung’s eyes again, how a small breath was let out and the way his shoulder didn’t seem so tense anymore and Mark decided that he couldn’t do it, this boy didn’t deserve to get his heart broken. “I don’t know what that something is.” He continued, choosing to stay as close to the truth as possible. “But I want to find out, with you.” He said lastly, smiling as he did so and Jinyoung’s frown disappeared completely and instead a big toothy smile appeared. Mark thought that sight was beautiful. Jinyoung should always smile and he was going to do all he could to make sure that that was the case. 

Jinyoung couldn’t help the big grin that came to his lips. He hadn’t actually understood how nervous he was himself, how much this actually meant. He took a few fast steps until he was throwing his arms around the older, hugging him tightly. The older seemed shocked at first but then slowly hugged him back just as hard while pressing a tender kiss to the younger’s head. 

“I like you too.” Jinyoung whispered against the older. And Mark felt the guilt burning inside of him but he pushed it away and smiled instead. And when they got back to the lunchroom hand in hand, smiling cheesily at each other and blushing, Mark simply pretended to not notice the look of disapproval and disappointment in Jackson’s eyes. And he wished he hadn’t seen the angry look Jaebum sent him but luckily Jinyoung was oblivious to it all, and that was at the moment all that mattered. 

 

*

 

The first days of Jinyoung’s newfound relationship was as good as it gets. Mark had decided to pick him up every morning before school so they could walk together. Mark would insist that Jinyoung got a piggyback ride every time and they would laugh through the entire trip. 

He pretended he didn’t notice the guilty look in Mark’s eyes sometimes, especially when they had both been horny and had ended up having sex. He pretended to not notice Jackson’s disapproving looks or Jaebum’s sad ones. 

But aside from that; everything was going perfectly well. Mark made him laugh more than he could remember himself doing during his entire life. Mark would press him gentle small kisses to his temple and wish him good luck before tests. He wouldn’t complain when Jinyoung kept whining that he wouldn’t do well on the test, instead he would assure him as many times as it took for Jinyoung to stop panicking. 

Small things like that mattered more to Jinyoung than anything else. The reassuring feeling that someone would listen to him, and let him complain.

Jinyoung was falling for the other, and he was falling fast. 

The self-hatred was still there. Jinyoung would wonder sometimes why someone like Mark tuan would ever date him but Mark would always notice it, the distant look that appeared in his eyes and Mark would whisper ‘You’re beautiful’ and then give him a small tender kiss on his lips. 

Jinyoung hadn’t been this happy in years. And he could start looking in mirrors again, no longer hating every part of what he saw.

Jinyoung felt happy, for real. Jaebum had still the other day tried to convince him to get help in some ways. But he didn’t need it anymore. He was happy. What would they do anyway? Wasn’t the entire point reaching happiness? Wasn’t that the meaning of life according to so many? 

“Are you over thinking again?” Mark asked while bringing one arm around the younger’s torso, hugging him tightly. 

“No.” He said, smiling. “I’m just happy.” 

He didn’t notice the look of guilt that flooded Mark’s face. He just snuggled closer into the warmth. 

*

For Mark everything went a bit differently.

He loved it, he did, the closeness and the affection was amazing and he was happy. But he felt dirty every time he touched the younger. Like it was a sin. And then it was that text he had gotten, which made the quilt stronger than ever before. And the face timing. 

“We face-timed.” Mark said to Jackson the other day. Jackson stared at him with disapproval like he had done every single day since that day in the lunchroom, two weeks ago. 

“And what did she say?” He asked while plumping down in the sofa, exhausted from the work out. 

“She’s coming here.” He confessed while plumping down next to Jackson. Jackson gave him a look with a hint of shock. 

“She is?” 

“Yeah.” He fiddled with his sleeves. 

“What are you going to tell Jinyoung?” Jackson asked, worried for the boy who was promised a heartbreak. Mark shrugged. 

“That she’s just a friend?” Jackson didn’t even look disappointed anymore, he simply gave a nod and then grabbed an opened bottle of beer from the table and drank. 

“So you’re gonna lie?” He asked. Mark looked towards his feet in shame, wondering how it all became so complicated. “And then you’re gonna hookup with her behind his back? Cheat on him?” Mark leaned his entire weight against the sofa, closing his eyes, breathing. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” He answered, lying. He knew what was gonna happen. Jackson didn’t question him, they both knew that that was exactly what was gonna happen. 

“Does she know about him?” Jackson tiredly asked. Mark nodded. 

“Yeah, I explained the situation for her.” He mumbled and Jackson stood up. Fists clenching by his sides. 

“‘The situation’? You’re treating him as if he’s a project she missed in school. He’s a fucking person with feelings, not someone for you to play around with, not a fucking ‘situation’. And I’m going to leave now, and I’m going to take a long fucking shower and then I’m going to avoid you for the next weeks. We won’t say a fucking word to each other because I’m sick of this. Of all your fucking whining and complaining, like you’re the one everything bad is happening to; but it’s not! And I’m about to punch the living shit out of you so I’m gonna go before you end up in a hospital. So call me once you get your shit together.” Jackson then stalked away and Mark could do nothing but stare after him. 

When Jinyoung came to his dorm later he made everything worse by trying to forget. He had pressed his lips harshly against Jinyoung’s mouth, straddling him against the wall and leaving dark marks along the way. He didn’t bother going to the bedroom and when Jinyoung had a hard time walking the next day he felt the guilt eating him alive. 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized the next morning with tears in his eyes and Jinyoung simply looked at him worriedly. 

“It’s okay.” He whispered. “I consented, didn’t I? Don’t worry about it, it was good.”Jinyoung added a smile and hugged the older. If that had just been the thing he was sorry about. He started to cry even more from the kindness and affection the younger was showing him. Jinyoung brought him breakfast and even cut the strawberries in pieces and added exactly one teaspoon of sugar on it, knowing that was Mark’s favorite thing to eat. And then they cuddled for the rest of the day, Jinyoung stroking the older’s tears away. 

Mark had never hated himself more. 

 

But faked a smile  
He did again  
And apologized for the mistake  
He thought he’d made

 

Mark and Jinyoung spent most of their time together during the coming month. Jackson still wouldn’t talk to Mark until he had resolved this mess and Jinyoung and Jaebum were also fighting for an unknown reason to Mark. He had asked about it but Jinyoung had simply shrugged and said that Jaebum was just being petty. He had then asked if he could do anything which Jinyoung had smiled sadly at then politely said no, no he couldn’t. 

Their 1 month anniversary had been spent at the park where they had hung out for what seemed like so long ago, that day after the night that changed everything. Mark had insisted that they would redo their first date in which Jinyoung had laughed. Mark had then carried Jinyoung to the shower and had for the rest of the day given him a piggyback ride. They had gotten ice cream again and Mark had stolen Jinyoung’s fries. But this time a heavy feeling hung over Mark’s shoulder as he tried to do everything that would make Jinyoung happy. 

Two weeks later and they were both sitting in Jinyoung’s bed sharing giggles and memories. Mark had started to tickle Jinyoung and Jinyoung had started to giggle until he could no longer breath. He was gasping for air. 

“Stop!” He shrieked,giggling, begging, but Mark simply continued as the other was laughing and laughing. Laughter escaping Mark’s mouth too. 

When they eventually calmed down (which took a while) Jinyoung leaned over against Mark’s chest. Mark could feel Jinyoung’s rapid heartbeating through his back and he looked down into the other’s big brown loving eyes the smile that was so endearingly existent on the other’s lips and suddenly Mark felt alarmed. Please don’t, he begged through his mind. Please don’t say you love me. 

“I love you. You know that right?” Jinyoung whispered gently and sincerely against him. Mark closed his eyes for a second, feeling tears threatening to fall. 

“I’m sorry.” Mark then started to sob, he couldn’t keep the tears in. He couldn’t say it back, even if it was to make the younger happy. Jinyoung silently stroke away the tears, caressing the older’s cheeks. 

“It’s okay.” Jinyoung said “I can’t expect you to say it back.” He croaked and Mark saw how glassy the younger’s eyes were. He pulled Jinyoung closer to him, holding him tightly against his chest as he sobbed into the younger’s hair. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered again and kissed the top of the younger’s head. 

 

*

 

Mark stared at the text, feeling detached from any emotion. 

 

From. Jennie. 3.57pm. 

I’m on my way now. Where can I see you? <3 

 

They had been talking about it for long. Mark knew she planned on coming back here. But suddenly everything felt so real. He had no clue what he was going to do. He had missed her more than anyone else. He still loved her. He had never stopped loving her. But then there was Jinyoung. He couldn’t break Jinyoung’s heart, but was it really worth breaking his own?

“Jinyoung!” He called out and Jinyoung soon appeared in and oversized sweatshirt and shorts in the door frame. His black hair was a mess and some purple hickies could still be seen clearly along the younger’s neck. 

“Yeah?” He asked, smiling gently. How could Mark ever break that smile. 

“An old friend is coming visiting.” Mark explained and Jinyoung sat down in Mark’s lap, intertwining their hands. “And I was wondering if you would want to meet her” He said, gently caressing the younger’s thigh with his free hand. Jinyoung smiled brighter. 

“Yeah, of course I would.” He answered sincerely and gave Mark a small peck on his cheek, and then he stood up again. Mark nodded happily.

“I was thinking that maybe I could meet up with her first, and then we’ll all meet at a cafe later?” Mark said carefully, Jinyoung nodded.

“Sounds perfect.” Jinyoung sing-sang before walking back to the kitchen where he was making food. 

Mark picked up his phone and scanned the message a few more times before typing a reply.

 

To. Jennie. 4.18pm.

We’ll meet at the cafe downtown, the one we used to go to.

 

*

 

Mark entered the cafe shivering from the cold outside, rubbing his arms up and down to gain some warmth. He had told Jinyoung to meet him there in an hour so he could talk to Jennie first.

He looked around the small place. Not much had changed in there in the two past years. The entire place still had an old enchanting ring to it. It smelled a bit chocolaty with a touch of vanilla. There were only a few people sitting in there, an old couple who was sipping on hot coffees and then two teenagers who were giggling and laughing to each other as they were looking at a picture of two boys holding each other’s hands. “They’re so cute! I totally ship them.” The brunette on of them squealed. 

Then there was Jennie. She was sitting in their ordinary corner, already having ordered two coffees to them. She wore a simple dark red blouse and skinny jeans. Her chestnut hair had grown longer he noticed, it reached down to her lower stomach now. 

Their eyes met slowly, dark eyes locking with dark eyes, then she smiled, standing up. And Mark was walking faster until they both had their arms wrapped around each other. She smelled the same too; chochlaty. 

“I’ve missed you so much.” She whimpered, slowly releasing him from her grip. 

“I’ve missed you too, so fucking much.” Mark said back, inhaling her scent once again before completely letting go. He sat down next to her on the small sofa, and maybe it looked a bit weird, both of them sitting on the same side of the table but right now? He didn’t give a single fuck. 

They did some small talk first. Asked how the other had been and so on. Jennie was done studying now and had managed to get an internship as a kindergarten teacher in town. But she had been good, it had been a bit stressful with the tests and finding an apartment but she had managed, as she always does. 

They laughed a lot too. He told her about small snippets of his life, like when he and Jinyoung had tried to bake and Mark had somehow managed to flip the entire dough away, making it smash in the window and they now had a wet, sticky patch left as a memory in his apartment. He didn’t notice the sad, loving look that reached her eyes. 

Mark told her a bit about Jackson too, that they had had a fallout. She had smiled sympathetically, reassuring that it will probably be solved. He told her that Jaebum and Jinyoung had had a fallout around the same time too and she had nodded. 

“Can we talk about us?” She suddenly interrupted just as Mark had started the story about Jinyoung and chocolate ice cream. ‘He doesn’t like chocolate! How can he not like chocolate?!’ He had exclaimed. He stilled, looking at her. She gazed at him intensely. 

“I thought we were?” Mark asked, rubbing his neck. 

“No we aren’t. We’re talking about yours and my life, not ours. Do we even have a future?” She sighed. 

“What are you talking about? Of course we have. I still love you, you know that, right? Nothing can take that away” Mark reassured. She wasn't buying it. 

“Do I know that? Can nothing really take that away?” She looked exhausted, throwing up her hands and staring towards the table, fiddling with her coffee cup anxiously.

“I-” 

“Hi?” A small voice interrupted Mark. Mark stared, ready to kill the person who stood there when he noticed it was Jinyoung. His mouth dropped. Jennie looked confused, staring at the intruder. 

“Jinyoung?” Mark breathed. “What are you doing here?” He asked, feeling the nervousness settle in his stomach. Had he heard them?

“Jinyoung” Jennie echoed, realization dawning on her face. Jinyoung looked anxious.

“You told me to meet you here, in an hour? I’m sorry I’m late.” He explained quietly. And Mark suddenly remembered. 

“Right, yeah.” Mark stood up, holding one hand to Jinyoung and then to Jennie. “Jinyoung, Jennie. Jennie, Jinyoung.” He introduced. Jennie stood up too, hesitantly.

“Nice to meet you Jinyoung, I’ve heard a lot about you.” She said, exchanging her hand. Jinyoung took it brightly. 

“It’s nice to meet you too.” He beamed and Mark couldn’t help but to smile at the way his eyes would crinkle and his cheekbones would rise. Jinyoung then sat down on the opposite sofa and Mark felt conflicted. He decided on sitting next to his Jinyoung. 

*

They all talked after that. Mark didn’t really notice when his arm suddenly was around Jinyoung but Jennie saw it. It started out awkward but Mark could see the way Jinyoung was trying. He made small jokes and told embarrassing stories about Mark. He asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in the answer. 

* 

Jinyoung tried as hard as he could, but he could see it in the way Jennie wouldn’t really look into his eyes and would only shortly answer his questions. She seemed tired. Jinyoung had his believes about his boyfriend’s and boyfriend’s friend’s relationship already before, now he was sure though. 

They sat at the cafe for two hours almost. Jinyoung doing the most of the talking but he knew he was unwanted. The two of them clearly had much to talk about on their own. He rose from the table, shocking the other two. 

“I’ll be going.” He announced. “You two clearly need to work some things out.” He said, walking away but Mark grabbed his wrist, looking him in the eyes. Jinyoung mustered up a small smile. “It’s okay.” He mumbled, leaving a quick kiss on Mark’s cheek. “It’s okay.” He said again. “I’ll see you home.” Mark couldn’t help but to feel that it sounded too much like a goodbye. 

 

This story will end soon though  
When i either become  
Good enough  
Or simply just enough  
For whatever that means

 

Mark shouldn’t have agreed to go to the club after the cafe. He shouldn’t have agreed that they both needed to loosen up a bit. 

They had talked but hadn’t come to an answer, whether it would be a ‘them’ again or not. After a while Jennie had suggested that they needed something strong, and they needed something fun, something they used to do, clubbing being that thing. 

They had ended up an hour later at one of the bigger clubs in the city. Mark had taken two shots, feeling the familiar burn in his throat and now he was dancing next to Jennie. Or if this is what they called dancing. They were shaking their hands against the roof while grinding against each other. And maybe Mark had had more than two shots. 

They were dancing close, sweat building on them as they danced in a crowd full of drunk and half-drunk people. Suddenly Jennie was pulling him forwards towards the back of the room. Dragging her hands over him, teasing him and he had desperately wanted to forget that night so he allowed her. 

* 

He allowed her to touch him, and he allowed her to tease him with her lips as she kissed around his neck, biting and nibbling, leaving dark marks along the way. He allowed her to kiss him on the lips, and let her tongue drag along his teeth. 

*

 

As they stumbled towards his dorm, kissing and moaning against each other’s mouths, ripping at each other’s clothes Mark couldn’t feel a thing. He felt the dizziness in his head, but his thoughts didn’t make sense. 

He didn’t think about the fact that the door was open as they both stumbled inside, making out against the wall until he heard a gasp. 

“Mark?” a small voice asked.

Mark’s thoughts cleared, and he suddenly felt completely sober suddenly as he stared at Jinyoung. Jinyoung who was standing in his pyjamas with tears in his eyes, looking outright broken, and confused. He looked betrayed, like someone had went up to him and stabbed a knife right through his heart after telling him that they loved him. It might be just what Mark had done though. 

“I-” Mark said, dropping his hands from Jennie’s side and taking a step forward, not really thinking about how that showed off the hickies ever more. 

“Don’t.” Jinyoung warned, numbness filling his words. Jinyoung then qgrabbed his jacket, pulling it on quickly but numbly and Mark was suddenly reminded of that time so long ago, when he had found Jinyoung all alone in his room, with tear-stained cheeks. 

“Jinyoung!” He then pleaded, trying to grab the younger’s hand. The younger shrugged it off as he walked back into the apartment, quickly grabbing some of his things, his computer, some of his clothes and his phone. 

To Mark’s surprise; it was Jennie who stopped Jinyoung from walking away. She grabbed his wrist roughly, turning him around quickly, forcing him to look at her.

“It was a bet.” She said. “Mark fucked you because of a bet, he’s always been obsessed with them. He came to your apartment that night because it was the last day for him to win it. Then once he’d done it he felt so fucking guilty that he couldn’t leave you. He’s killing himself because of it. He didn’t love you. It was a bet.” Jennie informed Jinyoung. Every word dripping with honesty. Jinyoung didn’t even blink, he simply stared at her emotionless, not making a single movement. “You’re a good person, Jinyoung. You deserve to know.” 

Mark felt himself crumble as Jinyoung simply gave a single nod before walking out. The door closed behind him and Mark wanted to punch someone, because he had done it. He’d done the one thing he had tried to avoid for the past months, he had broken Jinyoung’s heart. 

“Out.” He suddenly said. Jennie stared up at him. 

“He deserved to know.” She defended. 

“Out!” He screamed and she backed. 

“Fine. Bye.” She muttered, closing off, walking out through the door. 

 

*

Mark couldn’t keep the tears from falling as he screamed and shouted. He picked up a chair and threw it away. It smashed into the wall and split. He screamed again, pulling his hair. He felt like he was going insane. He picked up his phone, pressing the number he needed at the moment. 

“Mark-” Jackson’s voice began, annoyed.

“He knows.” Mark sobbed, and he could hear Jackson take a deep breath. 

*

Jinyoung walked into his apartment feeling absolutely nothing as he stared at his phone. He slowly pulled off his jacket and hung it, making it hang precisely equally as much on both sides of the hanger. 

He took off his shoes, silently placing them next to his sneakers. He didn’t bother lightning the place, he scrolled to the number he needed and pressed it. 

“Jinyoung..?” Jaebum’s voice asked cautiously. 

“You were right.” Jinyoung said, detached from any emotion. “He broke my heart.”

 

But this story might end in tragedy too  
I won’t lie  
And say  
Suicide hasn’t been on my mind

Because it has  
Multiple times  
Every day  
For years

And sometimes I wish  
That I would just dare  
Dare to be gone

Because as someone once said  
Aren’t we all born to die anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a complete and utter mess and if you made it through, thank you!  
> I hope you somewhat enjoyed this story and that you have the loveliest day.
> 
> Make sure to leave comment telling me what you think and I hope it wasn't too bad. 
> 
> Much love! ♥
> 
> Edit; I'm thinking of writing another chapter and/or rewriting this part since I'm not happy with it but I'm still not sure, I haven't found the motivation for it. For you who wanted a happy ending, even if I were to add a second chapter I still can't promise anything. It probably has something deep philosophical meaning with the entire thing that I've never gotten a happy ending myself and now I'm unable to write one but whatever. 
> 
> EDIT AGAIN: This story is now edited once again, please tell me any mistakes or just overall of much this story still sucks and i hope you have a wonderful day! 
> 
> Still thank you so much for reading and please comment! c:
> 
> Find me on tumblr?  
> My writing : https://www.tumblr.com/blog/aswedishphangirl  
> My main : https://www.tumblr.com/blog/stydiasnowbarrylucaya
> 
> Twitter?  
> https://twitter.com/YKWIW22


End file.
